What Makes a "Successful" Birth? | Melissa O'Malley, Birth Doula & Childbirth Educator

In This Episode

00:00 Welcome to the Birth Your Way Podcast
00:43 How Melissa got into birth work
02:24 How a counseling background supports birth work
07:03 Supporting both the birthing person and their partner
07:49 What makes a birth "successful"
11:50 Advocacy in the birth room
14:12 A challenging birth experience and lessons learned
16:38 Finding the right doula for you
17:56 Why community support matters for new parents
19:50 Advice for parents feeling unsure about birth

Connect with Melissa

Instagram (Self Care Witch)
@theselfcarewitch

Instagram (Doula Witch)
@doula.witch

Peaceful Birth Company
@peacefulbirthcompany

www.peacefulbirthcompany.com

Website:
https://www.theselfcarewitch.com/

Melissa also hosts free monthly Village Prenatal Circles in Fort Collins, creating space for pregnant people to gather, share, and build community.

About the Birth Your Way Podcast

The Birth Your Way Podcast introduces families in Northern Colorado to the birth professionals serving our community. Each episode features a conversation with a local provider so you can learn about your options and get to know the people who may be part of your birth team.

Subscribe for Future Episodes

We’ll be interviewing local experts including:

• Midwives
• Pelvic floor therapists
• Lactation consultants
• Chiropractors
• Doulas
• Postpartum specialists

New episodes coming soon!

Looking for a childbirth education in Northern Colorado?

Learn more about Danielle and her services:
www.greatestjoydoula.com

Keywords

birth podcast, pregnancy podcast, birth education, childbirth education, birth doula, doula support, what does a doula do, benefits of a doula, childbirth classes, prenatal education, preparing for labor, natural birth, physiological birth, informed birth, birth preparation, labor and delivery education, expecting parents, pregnant first time mom, pregnancy support, birth team, partner support during labor, how to prepare for birth, birth planning, pregnancy tips, Northern Colorado birth, Fort Collins doula, Northern Colorado doula, Colorado birth support, pregnancy in Fort Collins, birth stories and education

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:12

Hello everyone. Welcome to the inaugural episode of the Birth Your Away podcast. I am so thrilled to have Melissa O'Malley here with me today. It's extra special because Melissa and I actually trained to be childbirth educators together. So it just makes sense to me that we do another first thing to do this episode. How fun. So welcome. Thank you, Melissa. I'm so excited. I'm so excited you're here. Melissa O'Malley is a birth doula among and a childbirth educator, among many other things. And I would love to open with what brought you to birth work. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:45

I didn't know that doulas really existed. I didn't know what it was for much of my life, but I have spent most of my life like supporting people through transitions as a counselor and through like somatic work and ritual work and womb work. And after I became a mother and knew, finally knew what a doula was, it just like called to me. And the first birth I actually ever attended, I was 16. My aunt invited me into the room for the birth of my cousin. And she joked that it was like it would be a form of birth control because she thought that it would terrify me and freak me out. But I was right there holding her leg and I it did not scare me. I loved it. And I was so excited to do it myself. And even before that, as a little one, I would I had a book that showed images of like cats giving birth, and I would stare at those images like this is so cool. So when I think back on that, it like it just really makes sense that I landed here.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

Yeah. No, it's beautiful. Yeah. So it really kind of began very early on. What was meant to scare you away from birth actually brought you to it. Totally enamored me. I loved it.

SPEAKER_01 2:01

I loved it. And I've been thinking about that a lot. That I I had no idea what a doula was for so long, like until I needed one. Was it was while in your first pregnancy? Yeah, like I think I had heard about doulas, but I didn't really know. And I like trust the timing, but I always wonder, like, if I had known sooner, would I have gotten into this much sooner? But yeah, transitioning from being a professional counselor, like into this work feels so um feels uh it makes sense. Natural. Yeah, yeah. Natural transition.

SPEAKER_00 2:34

Totally. I think that's I wish I had opened with this actually. I'd love for you to introduce yourself and then maybe like speak more to like your qualifications and experiences and the gifts that you bring into your work.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

Yeah. Okay. So I'm Melissa O'Malley, former professional counselor, turned like entrepreneur doing all the things. I so I bring like that background of psychology and masters in clinical counseling and years of facilitating um therapy and somatic work and nervous system healing and trauma-informed care and womb work also into my work now. And I think that having that training in nervous system awareness and trauma-informed care, and just a lot of like a very spiritual background and weaving ritual into like everything. I really bring that into the birth space and into my work with pregnant people. So I think that like grounded presence and intuition and just being really attuned and acutely aware of like what might be happening beneath the surface for somebody is I think one of my like greatest strengths in the birth space, where like I can um I can guess what might be happening for somebody when they might not even when they're in labor brain and they might not even really have the words themselves. That's something I really value in the birth room.

SPEAKER_00 4:06

Yeah, that's so special that you bring that counseling background into it. I can I so see that and feel that. What was what specific counseling did you do?

SPEAKER_01 4:13

I like I was working for a big agency. So I worked with people of like all ages, all different diagnoses. But like my passion in counseling and in birth work was like helping people find empowerment. Um, helping to touch in with your power and your control in situations that might feel totally out of your control. Um, that was like a thread throughout all of my counseling work, and it really fits in birth work too, where it's like a thing that we're experiencing that we're not in control of, but like finding your power in that and believing yourself and um talking through fears and doubts and things, and finding your power, even with fears and doubts, it's definitely a thread that's always been a part of my work, whatever type of work I've been doing.

SPEAKER_00 5:05

Yeah. Oh, I love that about birth workers. Like we all have a background in like special gifts we bring. Yeah. And I can so see that that's one of the things. Yeah, thanks. Yeah. And you've kind of spoken to this that when you think about entering into a birth space, supporting both the birthing person and their partner. Yes. What does that look like for you? Like someone who's working with you, what can they expect? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:27

So first, I think one of the most important things is preparation and education so that they have some understanding of what might come up and really nailing down what their preferences are in any potential scenario. So a lot of preparation work. And so, and then in the birth space, there's like the physical support. Some like you got into like hip squeeze, the physical support, you know, coaching, you know, coaching them through it, helping them stay grounded, managing fear when it comes up, and letting it be just as much a spiritual experience as it is a physical one. That's that's my goal. When clients want that, that's my goal. Yeah. What does that what does that mean in practice for you? Talking, like really getting deep and talking and like getting to know one another and asking the question, like really checking in and asking the questions and creating a relationship where we can go deep and that they feel like they can speak whatever is coming up for them and that it won't be judged or shamed. Like, I think that there can be a rhetoric that there's no room for fear or doubt in birth. And if you if you don't have the right mindset, then it's all gonna go badly. And I really reject that. I think there's a lot of room for fear in birth because it comes up and it's natural. Of course, we feel fearful. It was on a tangent. I don't remember.

SPEAKER_00 7:05

We were talking about what support looks like for the birthing person and the partner, and it sounds like a lot of education, yes, preparation and distilling their preferences and building a trusting relationship beforehand and holding it during.

SPEAKER_01 7:18

Yeah, and for partners, making sure that they feel confident in what they're providing, that they know that they are just as much a part of the experience, making sure that they're rested and fed and caffeinated and all of those things, but also yeah, I want them to feel empowered too, to show up and be be a part of the process and not just like a bystander or a witness.

SPEAKER_00 7:41

Yeah, to like integrate them, like give them the confidence.

SPEAKER_01 7:44

Absolutely part of the experience.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Yeah. For you, how would you define like a successful birth? I love this question.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

A successful birth is more about agency than outcome.

unknown 8:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:01

It's because I've seen births that went totally not to plan, unplanned cesareans and interventions and things having to come up. And a successful birth is more than just like healthy mom, healthy baby. It's about a person feeling empowered every step of the way and informed every step of the way, and like they have power and choice in what happens to them as much as possible.

SPEAKER_00 8:27

It sounds like a successful birth is someone who one knows their options, but also has been able to exercise control as much as any of us can over the experience because they're informed and they're responding versus reacting out of fear.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

Right, or just like going along with things blindly or Yeah, they're not a bystander either.

SPEAKER_00 8:49

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:50

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like even births that go not according to plan or not as ideally, like people can still step away from that experience feeling like it was successful and not just something that needed to be endured and then minimizing trauma is really what it comes down to. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:08

Yeah. And I yeah, I've heard you kind of say uh helping both partners and birthing people have agency and be a part of like a part of the experience, not it's not happening to them, like they are kind of doing it. What does that kind of preparation look like when you're working with clients?

SPEAKER_01 9:24

The like prenatal preparation is like going to births is so wonderful and rewarding and like fun and it's like the best, but the prenatal preparation is so essential. It's like maybe the most important part of the work. So, like I mentioned, like a lot of education so that they know what potential things might arise, what sorts of interventions or options may be provided to them so that they know ahead of time, so that they're not blindsided in the moment. And then so like that's pretty practical. And then like learning physical and emotional, spiritual, mental coping measures and the things that they or we can do, I think is really important. But I think like even more so is really developing a deep relationship with the clients. I want to know what makes them feel confident, what kind of fears might come up, what kind of like past stories may be informing what's happening for them. I want to, as much as I can, like be able to get a good read on them so that when we're in that very high-stakes, difficult process of labor and delivery, that I'm really attuned to them and confident that I can read them. And also that I want to feel confident that they can correct me or tell me to stop or ask for what they need. I think like there shouldn't, there's not a lot of room for people pleasing in birth. And so many of us are conditioned to be very polite and and people pleasers and not correct people and things like that. So a lot of for me, a lot of prenatal preparation is just getting to really comfortable with one another so that that people pleasing, those tendencies hopefully don't come up in that precious and high-stakes situation.

SPEAKER_00 11:18

Yeah, so it's like a lot of like childbirth education, like information, but also a lot of deep relationship building. Yeah. In the prenatals. Yeah, I want us to know each other, you know, and feel feel really comfortable with each other. Yeah, you're like a trust, truly a trusted known person. Yeah. In the birthing space.

SPEAKER_01 11:33

Yeah, so important. But that like felt safety and just like when things click and we flow, I do everything I can to build that with my clients.

SPEAKER_00 11:44

You're lucky. Lucky for them. Thanks. Yeah. In a situation where you are with a client and they do need advocacy in some way. What does that look like for you? How do you support clients in advocacy? Yes.

SPEAKER_01 11:59

I it's so it's like essential in this work. It's like a foundation of this work. Yeah. It's advocacy. And it, I always think of like turning the power and the the trust and the questions back to the birthing person at every turn, really making sure that they are being honored and respected, that they fully understand and are not are not feeling pressured or coerced into anything, helping them know what questions to ask and helping them feel confident to say no to something or to ask for more time before we make a decision on something. Those are really big pieces of advocacy to me. It's it's making sure that they feel in charge in that room when providers, doctors, and nurses are making recommendations to them or like really insisting on certain things, like helping them still feel empowered and in control in those moments.

SPEAKER_00 12:54

And it sounds like that often looks like asking if they want time, yeah, or asking them to answer the question versus I know sometimes when Doula's in their room, everyone looks at Doula. Yeah, yeah, to answer the question. Yeah, to make the make the call. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:10

Because sometimes it it would be nice if somebody else could make those decisions. But yeah, I I in in order for them to feel empowered and to minimize uh trauma, they have to be making the decisions confidently. And so whatever they need to be able to do that, and sometimes that is me sharing, you know, risks or statistics and things like that, like just the education. But sometimes that's just me helping them find the words themselves and helping them take the time and space so that they can find those words, like reducing the pressure is really important. But it really like comes down to the turning the power back to them over and over and over again. It really just comes down to making sure that their voice stays at the center the whole time. Yeah, that they're they're the ones who are in control of their experience.

SPEAKER_00 14:08

Yeah, yeah. Can you tell me about like a particularly challenging birth experience and how you handled it?

SPEAKER_01 14:17

Yeah. I was thinking about this that I've attended births that didn't go according to plan and and resulted in an unplanned cesarean or things like that. And but the and those are challenging and they can be hard. But the most challenging birth I've experienced so far was when a provider was rushing a process and taking agency from the client around a specific piece that was very important to them, that was very important to the family, and he was rushing it. And he he just refused to slow down. And my client had just given birth unmedicated. She was still in the stars, and that was so frustrating and challenging. And it was a moment where I I like the dad looked at me and he was like, I don't know what I don't know what to do. And I had to like slow down time and I had to ask the doctor to pause. Like, in my opinion, this wasn't something that needed to be rushed at all. There was no danger. And those sorts of moments are really frustrating when somebody in the room is being kind of flippant or disrespectful about something that you know they do it a million times a day, but it was really sacred to the family and really important to the family, and it wasn't respected, and that is so frustrating. And afterward, the dad was like, I'm I was so glad you were there in that moment specifically, because I did not know what to do. Those sorts of challenges, it's just frustrating to see because ideally, like the wish would be that everybody in the room held the same reverence and honoring for the the parents' wishes and slow down enough to honor it. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. And when when that doesn't happen, it just it's like why? It's like why? But it ended up okay. But it was it was tough. I think about it a lot.

SPEAKER_00 16:13

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it can be tough in those moments when again you want the client always to be the one who is doing the shit. But if you know the preference and they've just had their child, yeah, yeah, yeah. That can sometimes be a role for the doula to sit to hold the boundary. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a line to walk. Yeah. Well, I'm glad they had you there. Me too. Yeah. Who do you feel is the best fit for you? Like when clients are looking for their doula, like who's a good fit for Melissa?

SPEAKER_01 16:45

Yeah, yeah. Somebody who is who wants it to be just as much a spiritual experience as it is a physical experience. Somebody who wants it to feel reverent and intentional and who is willing to like build that relationship with me and like go deep and talk about things that may be like beneath the surface. So really, I think that's that's how I would sum it up. Somebody who wants it to be as spiritual as it is physical and is willing to like to go there with me. Yeah, yeah. Who do you feel might not be the best fit for you? Somebody who wants a very like logistical or hands-off doula. Somebody who like because my work is so relational and so spiritual and very like presence-based, I think I work best when people are really open to that sort of connection and that sort of depth.

SPEAKER_00 17:39

So, yeah, they're not looking to build a fully a full relationship with you, maybe. Yeah, like wanting to keep you at yeah, you just do dualist stuff and we won't talk about yeah, deep issues. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Makes sense. Yeah. What is your greatest hope for families in our community?

SPEAKER_01 18:01

My dream is that birth be honored as a foundation for like long-term well-being. That it it it's so it's like the start of a life. It's so important. And a birthing person's empowerment and minimizing trauma like impacts the beginning of their parenthood. It's that is so important. It is so sacred. So I hope that that that agency and that empowerment be felt for every person, every family starting, a family, every family giving birth, that there's more connection and honesty and support. That there's more, that the village really return. And we have to show up for one another, and we have to show up for ourselves and allow ourselves to connect and be supported. I think for a really long time, a lot of us have been doing this without any support. We've just been like doing it. And that's that's such a disservice to what it could be. So, yeah, just more, more, more connection and more reverence for what it means to give birth and be a parent. I think that that would that's like sort of like simple to say, but I think it would be so impactful if our community really surrounded new parents with support and love and understanding and support, support, support. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:39

Yeah, all that's beautiful. Thanks. Yeah, well, it sounds like you're part of you're part of like bringing that to light. Yeah, I hope so. Yeah, I hope so. If someone is listening right now and they are feeling unsure about birth, pregnancy, being a parent. Yeah, what would you say to them?

SPEAKER_01 19:55

Yeah, like first of all, that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 20:00

First of all, same.

SPEAKER_01 20:01

You're right. Yeah, totally, yeah, totally. This is like the most important thing that many of us will do. Like, it is so, it's so big. This initiation, this transition into parenthood with each baby is huge. So feeling doubtful or unsure or fearful makes sense. And I think I touched on this earlier, but like any sort of rhetoric that we need to just get rid of our fear, or that if we have those sorts of doubts and fears that it's going to screw things up or manifest in poor outcomes and things, I want to like eradicate that idea. Because I have, I've seen it and I've experienced it myself, that we can both feel doubtful and powerful, that we can feel afraid and confident. And it sounds contradictory, but I've seen it and I've experienced it, that there's room for all of that. So it makes sense to feel afraid or doubtful or uncertain. And you don't have to have all the answers right now or ever, because support exists and we need more of it. And so surrounding yourself with that support and then like doing the work to it's not about eradicating fear, but turning up the volume on trust and confidence and power, at least so that those beliefs are also here along with the fear. I think that's I think that's the trick.

SPEAKER_00 21:33

Yeah, I also agree with that. Like your experience in birth is such a baseline, like it's how you begin your parent, your parenting, even if it's like a second or third baby. Like, this is the first time you're a parent to this baby. Yeah. And to multiple, like the number of babies that you now have. This is a first time experience. And yeah, that dichotomy of like birth, like you can feel two things at once. Yeah. Two things can be true. Yeah. You are at your most vulnerable, but also at your strongest you'll ever be. Yeah. It's so beautiful. It is. Yeah. Yeah. To disitame that. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

Lisa, where can the people find you if they want to reach you? I am, you can find me on Instagram at the self-carewitch or do law witch. And I also host free monthly village prenatal circles here in Fort Collins as a space to gather with other pregnant people and talk about the experience and your fears and also your power in a way that you usually don't get in like your average obstetrician's office. Go a little deeper. Yeah, prenatal. Exactly. So those I would love to connect in that way, especially.

SPEAKER_00 22:39

Can you share a little bit about the difference between the self-care witch and the doula witch? Yeah. Like your two online person. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:46

Personas. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I I when I became a doula, I kind of conceptualized the self-care witch as like for the maiden, and then doula witch like for the mother. Um so it's all me and it's it's like some similar offerings with empowerment support and circle support community and ritual and bringing magic and intention into everything that we do. But the self-care witch is for like anybody, and doula witch is for pregnant people and mothers.

SPEAKER_00 23:19

Thank you for sharing. Yeah, thanks for having me. Thank you for coming on. So fun. I'm so glad to have you here. You are a gift to our community. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And yeah, look for Melissa. You can find her online. I'll have everything in the show notes. Thanks so much for coming on, Melissa. Thank you. What a joy.